I have the “forgot clothes in public” dream so often, I don’t get embarrassed. “Oh crap, again? Alright guys, let’s power through this. “

Original post: <twitter.com/chrisjohn…>

Never tell me the sky’s the limit when looking up cramps my neck.

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New game: Super Garlic Bros. It follows the adventures of Mario and Luigi’s breath. #nintendo #mariobros #videogames

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I want to do some hardcore Mr Ed fan fiction. 50 Shades of Hay.

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Research is underrated. I’d back that up, but…

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“You got a lotta nerves coming back here.” - slogan for a paranoia treatment center #iwish

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You know what I think? Nah, me neither.

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“We all shit in the same place now. Someone will have to get rid of it. Not it!” - Everyone except the first sanitation worker #quotes

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Speed 3 should be about Keanue Reeves taking speed and constantly running, or else he’ll have to answer for being on speed. #movies

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“I love soup! But I hate spoons.” - a sad, sad man #quotes

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How much did Ralph vomit for his name to become a euphemism for it?

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“I knew it!” - a conspiracy theorist, whenever anything happens #quotes

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Why the shlong face?—some dickhead #quotes

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“Well, buckle my nuts!” - things I wish #DonKnots would say.

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“To pee, or not to pee?” - a question never asked by a dog #petjokes #shakespear #groan

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Do you ever hear the word, “cantaloupe” and start attacking everyone in sight? Or is that just my trigger word? #manchuriancandidate

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What if we make first contact with an alien, but it’s the equivalent of the elephant man on their planet? We’d never know.

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There’s only 6,954 things I want out of life. Is that too much to ask? #simplelife

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The Who, What, Where, Why, and When are important, but what about the Wash? There isn’t nearly enough journalism about laundry.

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Bamboozle is probably my favorite word. It’s like a loud, sudden, boozle.

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I want better conspiracy theories. Here’s one: The Illuminati hired aliens to fake the moon landing, enraging Big Foot to shoot JFK. #yes

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A wolf in sheep’s clothing is not that bad. A wolf in clown clothing, now that’s the stuff of nightmares.

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If you like scary movies, than you’ll LOVE looking in the mirror. #sickburns

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Reading is transformative; without it, you couldn’t be smart while sitting on your ass. #truefacts

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I’ve lived, loved, and lpvd, if we’re moving left to right on the keyboard. #keyboardjokes

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