jokes category

Better Living Through Chemistry apparently doesn’t apply to meth.

Do you think every other hobbit was pissed that The Hobbit wasn’t about them? #lotr

If #gameofthrones got action figures, each would have to be a double pack with their corpse.

Julie Andrews says, just before shooting a Nazi, “You’re not one of my favorite things” #grittyreboot

The term “Banana Republic” makes me hungry.

Can you be happy, and not know it? #raffi

Eating only raw food is like saying you’re better than fire.

Shell collections are cool, unless it’s a pistachio shell collection. I had one of those. #why

When you’re hungry, everything looks like an enemy. #stomachfacts #hungargames

If the NYC heat today were a super villain, his powers of making everyone really pissed and tired would be unstoppable. #globalwarming #heat

Today we declare our independence from no fireworks. #July4th

I want a banana funeral; I figure, I’m already dead, why not cover the place in fruit?

I started drinking lots of tea, because everyone in new york needs a habit.

It’s Wormules! All the strength of Hercules, none of the limbs! Watch him try to be useful.

It’s been said before, so I won’t say it again.

Fun experiment; go to the gym and lock someone else’s locker.

Should you even bother reading an article on SEO if it’s not the top google result?

In the land of the mouse, only the squeak survive

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about birds, it’s that their omens. Omens of poop. #birds #poop #omens

New meal: scrunch. It’s between breakfast and lunch when you have no time. #idea

NYC #subways are tunnels of love for rats.

I want to start a spam company that emails people about how they can shrink their penis, and see if anyone notices.